Letting Go

Letting go, this is one of my most difficult areas in my life. Learning to let something go in my life is never easy for me. I always see it as a mourning and usually have a difficult time seeing it as a positive situation.

Right now I am learning to let go of my four month old daughter, I have to put her in daycare while her dad and I work in the day. She has been at home with me for the first 3 months. She then had a nanny at home for the rest of the summer. The nanny we had is a college student, she headed back to college, and we had to put Kinsley in daycare.

Needless to say, this is very hard on me. I am so attached to her, that letting go and entrusting in others to guide her, raise her, keep her safe, etc. is single-handedly the most terrifying thing I have done year to date!
I feel like I should be the one doing all this for her, that I should be raising her the way I see fit.
Being a stay at home mom feels like my destiny. It's calling my name, but I am not financially fit to do so. That being said, I feel like I have been robbed and I am mourning what I feel to be my calling. I missed my train so to speak.

If I could find a way to make this work I would have by now. I researched all avenues of options for my destiny to be fulfilled. I came up short handed and I am trying to let it go! However, like I've stated already, that is not an easy task for me. This doesn't feel right. I feel like a fish out of water. I constantly wonder why this great country we live in; doesn't let us stay home and do our job as mothers for at least a year, like most other well developed countries are allowed to do so. I looked up working from home, basically everything I found that sounded "too good to be true" was "too good to be true", most to all work form home programs are designed as pyramid schemes. No thanks.

I was able to get my employer to allow me to work from home two days a week. This helps me cope with the separation from my daughter much easier. Still, bringing her to daycare, letting go and putting my faith in God, myself and the team at her daycare center is tough on me. I am struggling with keeping the Faith right now.I can't really get past I am paying an arm and a leg to let someone else raise and guide my child while I have to work, out of my head. People keep telling me it will get easier with time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I am not sure time is going to heal this wound. I think for me, in time, I will get over my mourning and start to cope with my circumstance. I think in time, things will get a little easier, but I am still always going to be a little upset and hurt that I cannot be the stay at home mom, I so desperately want to be. Like I said, I feel robbed. I feel violated and vulnerable about this situation.

I have found some peace in this quote: "Wake without trying to change your circumstances today. Rest in my provision, wisdom and grace, and let that be enough." 


Valerie Duffy